I have this feeling that I’m just not good enough…

Shame is by far one of the most endemic and core wounds people carry with them day to day. It robs you of your authentic self and your natural expression. It shows up in many forms and can be the root cause of struggles like having a harsh inner critic, people-pleasing, anger suppression, severe outbursts, underachievement, hyper overachievement, procrastination, low confidence, and anxiety. There’s a wide range of symptoms, but they all stem from the same source. How we each choose to deal with shame looks different from person to person.

A child is like a sponge while growing up. They're constantly modelling reality, learning deep emotional beliefs about the nature of the world, themselves, and others. These aren’t just cognitive beliefs, they’re ingrained neural networks that form the child’s fundamental map of reality.

So when a child hears messages like “you’re a freak,” “you’re too much,” “go away and hang out with someone else,” or “go to your room and stop crying”—or even receives those same messages through the actions of others, like physical bullying, emotionally distant parents, being left out or ignored, it all gets woven into how they understand themselves and the world. The conclusion becomes: who I am is not strong, not worthy, not desirable. I’m not good enough. I’m someone people don’t like.

That’s a terrifying reality for any child to internalise. So naturally, they begin to develop what we call “solutions” in Coherence Therapy. In order to prevent others from discovering the “truth” about them, in order not to be flooded by the emotions associated with being small and inadequate, that they’re not enough, that they’re unlovable, strange, unwanted—they begin to protect themselves. These protections might look like chronic people-pleasing, never saying no, emotional shutdowns, or extreme anger responses etc.

What’s so important to remember is that these patterns aren’t irrational. They are perfectly coherent and make total sense according to the child’s map of reality. For example: “If I don’t agree with everyone and make them happy, they’ll see who I really am.”

These kinds of core wounds can be deeply dangerous too. They often form the psychological foundation for toxic behaviours and even harmful movements. Abusers, for instance, are frequently carrying an unbearable sense of shame beneath their outbursts, cruelty, or manipulation. To protect themselves from ever feeling that excruciating smallness or inadequacy again, feelings often rooted in childhood, they lash out instead. Bullying, control, emotional and physical aggression become protective strategies, designed to keep that buried shame from ever being touched.

The good news is that Shame is not innate; no one is ever born with shame. It is an emotionally held learning. The only problem is it resides unconsciously and only rears its head through its defences and solutions. But once you notice these defences in therapy, you can follow them back to their roots and unlearn them, emotionally.

What’s even less obvious to people is the fact that Shame and Guilt can themselves be solutions and defences against some even deeper learning/prediction or emotional reality. Some of the most common include..

1. Maintaining connection by agreeing with their view of me
If I agree with my parents’ negative view of me, I stay connected to them. It avoids the painful realization that they never really saw or understood who I was.

2. Maintain power by blaming myself
If the abuse was my fault, I could have stopped it by being good enough. Believing this is safer than feeling totally powerless.

3. Stay safe by not protesting
If I agree I was unworthy or stupid, then I don’t feel anger or protest. That kept me safe from further abuse or abandonment.

4. Avoid betrayal by agreeing I deserved it
If I believe I was the problem, then they didn’t betray me. But if I was actually worthy, I’d have to feel the pain of being truly betrayed by my own parents.

5. Avoid pain of lost potential
If I was never capable or worthy, then nothing was lost. But if I was, I’d have to face the grief of how much of my life was stolen by believing I wasn’t.

6. Stay safe by not trying
If I believe I’m incompetent, I won’t put myself out there and get hurt. Not trying protects me from failure, criticism, and rejection.

7. Avoid the weight of full self-responsibility
If I’m fundamentally flawed, no one expects anything of me. That helps me avoid the overwhelming pressure of having to make something of my life.

8. Keep the world fair by blaming myself
If I deserved how I was treated, the world is still fair and makes sense. But if I didn’t, I face a crisis of meaning: how could this happen to someone good?

9. Try to force accountability
If I stay wounded, maybe they’ll finally see the damage they did. Letting go means accepting they may never take responsibility.

10. Quest for owed care
If I stay small and wounded, maybe someone will finally give me the care I never got. Healing means grieving that loss and giving up the hope of finally receiving it.

11. Quest for owed childhood
If I stay incapable, I get to avoid pressure and finally have the carefree space I never had. Letting go means grieving the childhood I was robbed of.

12. Pseudo-penitence
If I see myself as bad, I can do shameful things and still feel like a good person—because at least I feel guilty. True healing means facing what I’ve done and choosing integrity.

13. Disidentification from the abuser
If I feel incapable, unworthy, or ashamed, I know I’m not like them. But deep down, I’m terrified I might be like the parent or sibling I feared—and hate myself for it.

14. Keep familiar identity
Staying in the role of the small, unworthy self preserves what I’ve always known. Letting go would mean losing the only identity I’ve ever had.

Sometimes shame is just far easier to feel compared to more powerful, even overwhelming emotional states, which is why in AEDP, shame is sometimes considered an “Inhibitory emotion”. It inhibits or blocks you from feeling what is hiding underneath it.

Dealing with your shame can be a life-changing experience as it removes the defences and masks you wear that prevent you from being the person you want to be. And that does not look like being an Andrew Tate figure. Ingrained confidence and self-respect are hard to explain, but such people have a natural ease about them. You can tell they are not trying to get anything from you, not trying to control you, manipulate you; get above you; they say no when they need to say no, and are not afraid to express who they really are. The Andrew Tates of the world are often compromising (solution) for crippling, unconscious shame.